Friday, April 22, 2011

the other news

In other news from around the world, it was reported this week that scientists at the LHC have begun using lead ions in their quest to generate new sub atomic particles.

Some other scientists, as well as a bevy of
fringe-dwellers are concerned that the leaden experiments will produce strangelets that will convert the earth and everything on it into a super-dense, hot glob of uninhabitable nothingness.

Yet others are convinced that different projects at CERN will inadvertently
open passages into other dimensional realms. The humans who believe in this potentiality are also concerned. They are convinced that access to other dimensions will cause the earth to blink out of existence much as was the case in episode twenty-seven of Star Trek (TOS). Except in our case, it won't be momentarily, bro. Plus, being a fictional character and all, Captain James Tiberius Kirk will not be around to save us.

And what the hell does this have to do with Albuquerque? I am glad you asked.

an eerie corollary that any self-respecting blogger should ignore - probably because of the complex operation necessary to convert it into humour - a secretive group of technocrats (they're like scientists, eh, but they have more power, it its currently theorized) is going to, for all intents and purposes, make the stretch of Coal Avenue between the interstate highway and Carlisle Boulevard disappear into another world.

Their arcane ritual will be complete on Monday morning and I am told that the street will reappear, magically reconfigured and majestic in its postmodern attention to inclusiveness, about one year from now.

While this act of quantum gorgeousness takes place, other potentially universe-altering experiments will be occurring nearby. Lead Avenue will become a super-dense and slow moving plasma that is bound to exude negative cosmic energies as one to two ton metal objects travel in opposite directions along its course, trying to avoid collisions while still tuning in on
Jackie, Tony, and Donnie in the morning.

Though these operations, these empyrean adjustments and procedures can no longer be forestalled, especially given humankind's yearning quest for knowledge (and accommodating transit routes) we must, as a community, a city and yes, a culture, ask some age-old questions.

I'll be brave and go first.

What is the best route from the university area, including Nob Hill and Ridgecrest, to get downtown or to old town or the south valley?

Always the experimenter, I have already produced some initial data, based on recent forays into the forbidden zone.

Central is offically out of the running, alternative route-wise. You will never get through downtown alive.

Lomas is pretty decent, but you gotta get there first. Don't use Carlisle, Girard is quicker and you can
practice your civility and tolerance toward more sustainable vehicles if you pass through Silver Avenue to get there. It's gonna be crowded though. Just saying.

I tried using Gibson too. It's a nice wide boulevard. That works out pretty good except you end up on Broadway. The morning I commuted using the aforementioned path, traffic was totally locochon on Broadway, but on the plus side, I did spy a new Chinese restaurant on Bridge, I mean Cesar Chavez.

Speaking of that multi-named street (it used to be called Stadium, now it's named after
a famous Chicano labour leader except en el valle, where it is still referred to as Bridge Street) I still need to give it a go. It looks promising, except for the fact that it is so damn far south of this town's hub.

No matter which sendero I choose, and despite any of their awkwardly inconveniencing natures, I will continue, in the interim and while technicians fiddle with their gauges and take their measurements, to rely on my steadfast belief in the power of science and technology. That will solve our most savage problems and save us from a dark, dark, starless doom - I am certain.

And that's probably the funniest thing about this post.

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